Well, I haven’t really updated much over the past few weeks and truth be told, I’ve still been in a bit of a funk. Thankfully I did get over my stretch of protesting exercise (though it turned out I was coming down with a cold so I sort of had an excuse, right?) and am back on the band wagon. Thank heavens for yoga!! I guess that brings to me to today’s post.
So I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks now. During yoga this morning, I decided to try and clear my mind and open myself up to figure out what’s bothering me these days. Really I have no complaints with life: I have a wonderful husband, a good job, my best furry friend is back to baseline healthy and my family is doing well. What more could a woman want? Yet something seems to be stealing my joy most days and I can’t seem to figure it out. So I focused on my breathing and let all my thoughts fall away until my mind was truly still (this never happens!!). Laying with my eyes closed I willed myself to find the source of my sadness that slowly steals my smiles each day and after a few minutes I saw the face of one of my patients, then another face. Then it hits me. All my feelings at once and I know the full source of my sadness.
I realize that my sadness lies in the grief I feel for my patients who are fighting for their lives. Day in and day out, I see so many sad stories. Such good people who fight and fight against cancer, and while some people win their battle, I generally see those patients who don’t win. I see the heartbreak, the anger, the unfairness of it, the pain and suffering. I’m in the trenches with them. The questions of why. Their losses…so many losses just piling up one after another on the journey through treatment. My heart hurts for so many of my patients every day.
And then there is the realization that many of my patients are my age or my sister’s age or my parents age, and any day one of us could get the news that we have cancer and our lives would change. Just like that. It does for so many people that we know and love every day.
Somehow I have not been able to process these feelings. My depth of caring for my patients goes beyond the tasks I complete at the hospital and the education that I give them about their disease or medications. It goes all the way to my heart. I carry these feelings around with me every day, stealing my joy just a little bit at time. I think of my patients daily, wondering how they are doing, how their families are doing, if they are in remission, if they are still fighting.
Nursing is a profession that talks a lot about boundaries, and while I have good professional boundaries at work, I cannot always control my heart’s boundaries after I leave the hospital. I am affected by certain patients and their families more than others. And I know that this is something that I must work on for myself and for my patients. Because if I continue to lose joy a little at a time each day, I will have nothing left to share with them. More importantly, I will have nothing left for myself and my own family.
Today I am thankful for the opportunity that my yoga class provided me-- to still my mind and open myself up to this revelation so that I can continue to process these feelings and restore joy to my daily life. And I know that understanding the source is key to starting the process. Again. It sort of feels like I've been here before, yet somehow this is different. I guess this is all part of the professional growth process huh?
I know there are many other nurses and healthcare professionals who must have similar struggles. I’d love to hear feedback about how you process your emotions to stay healthy and keep your emotional health in check.
Theresa, I completely understand. There is extra weight pulling on the soul when one experiences what we do, on a regular basis. I sometimes wish I could turn off compassion, turn off empathy, and shield myself from absorbing all the emotional energy. I used to envy the nurses who I assume have mastered these feats, only to realize empathy, compassion, and emotional aquity are assests. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I not pursued a career focused in oncology. Would I be as prone to depression, would I be so dreadful of going to work, would I be truely present with my children and would I my soul feel light and airy?. Who knows
ReplyDeleteBut, what I do know is I can't imagine my life without these experiences. They thread through me, in every aspect of my life, as hard as I may try to divorce my nursing heart, from my everyday heart. This was not how I was wrought. Theresa, remember all the emotions make you a better nurse. I would rather be a nurse who feels than a nurse who can turn it off. I think you may agree. You are a damn good nurse Theresa, and it shows.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I would agree that feeling our emotions helps us be the nurse we want to be in each moment. We are present with our patients and take each opportunity to listen, help them process their emotions, whether it be fear, peace, anxiety, joy, frustration or just numbness. We are those sounding boards and to think that helping 3-4 patient's per day 4 days per week will not affect our our mental and emotional health is pretty unrealistic!! Seeing the tragedy that we see day in and day out and not letting it affect our own emotions is also unrealistic. But I agree with you, crunchysoup, being an oncology nurse helps me to be more present in my own life every moment of every day. It makes me treasure my family more. It helps me to make the most of each day because I know that it could change tomorrow and I want to take advantage of my health and happiness while I can.
DeleteThanks for the perspective and feedback. :)